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Loving (Almost) Every Second of Life as a Pastor’s Wife

“They’re here! I can’t believe it — but they’re really here!” It was a beautiful, sunny Easter Sunday morning in Southern California, and Saddleback Valley Community Church officially launched. For 12 weeks, we and a small band of believers had met together in our home to dream, plan, and organize this launch day. We had hand-addressed and hand-stamped 15,000 letters to the community, introducing ourselves and our new church. We scoured yard sales and swap meets for used nursery equipment. We copied pages from coloring books for toddlers. We searched through lists of students from a local college to find childcare workers. I practiced the hymns (complete with updated lyrics to a few) on the piano to be certain my nervous fingers didn’t hit the wrong notes. We rented a portable sound system for the Laguna Hills High School Performing Arts Theater. Rick poured over the Bible for weeks, praying for God’s words to speak to the folks that might show up. We prayed. We fasted. We believed in faith. On April 6, 1980, we stood at the gates to Laguna Hills High School and waited nervously, hoping and praying that at least a few people would try our new church. They came! First one car, then three, then a dozen, then more. People of all ages — families, singles, old, young, and everything in between — began pouring out of the cars, quickly filling the parking lot. Rick and I enthusiastically greeted them all — hardly able to take in the truth that all our wild hopes were coming true. I remember smiling through tears at one point as I held out my hand in welcome to one of the 205 folks who read our mass mailing or heard about a new church for “those not interested in a traditional church” and decided to give it a shot. “God,” I whispered, “You are faithful. This is going to work!” A church was born that day. Rick became a senior pastor, and I was given a sacred privilege: I became a pastor’s wife. In the nearly four decades since, we have had front-row seats to witness thousands upon thousands of men, women, and children experience the grace of God to change their lives. This is their spiritual home, and we are family. These amazing people live sacrificially and give sacrificially so that others can know Jesus Christ as they do. These amazing people have taken the Gospel of Jesus Christ to every country in the world. These amazing people volunteer to wash windows, clean toilets, sort trash to buy Bibles, teach squirrelly toddlers and students, host small groups in their homes, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, teach English as a second language, tutor kids, walk the meanest streets to share God’s love with prostitutes and johns, courageously tell of how they’ve overcome their hurts habits and hang-ups through Celebrate Recovery, visit those behind bars, form care groups for people living with HIV and AIDS, adopt orphaned children locally and from around the world, embrace those living with mental illness, tear down the taboos of talking about suicide in church, offer grief support, take meals to families facing a crisis, use art to heal broken places in the soul, apply their gifts of technology, write music that honors God, help cranky and anxious drivers find parking spaces, and extend the love of Jesus into every corner of our community and beyond. I have loved every second. Well, almost every second. There were a few times . . .
  • I wished Rick had been anything but a pastor. A plumber . . . a pharmacist . . . a photographer . . . a principal — anything but a pastor.
  • I envied other families taking leisurely bike rides on a Saturday afternoon while my husband was feverishly finishing his message. I admit to being jealous of couples going on Friday night dates while my husband studied, or being sad that other friends went out to lunch after church on Sunday while my husband came home and collapsed into bed after preaching as many as six services.
  • There have been times I resented the intrusion of the ministry into every Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
  • Times when family vacation had to be moved to accommodate a major event at church.
  • Times my heart was shredded when people we had invested in, loved dearly, grown so close with left the church. Some went quietly, lacking the courage to tell us directly. Some made a lot of noise, telling everyone they could how terrible Saddleback was. All I knew was it hurt. Badly.
  • Times when my kids were treated unfairly; when too-high expectations by Sunday school teachers and youth workers and church members who thought the pastor’s family should be perfect all the time created pressure for them.
  • Times when the stress of living with a mentally ill child who threatened suicide on a regular basis made it almost impossible to do the standard meet-and-greet on the patio — clenching my teeth in a forced smile that belied the ache and anxiety in my heart.
  • A time when grieving my son’s death in public was a burden too heavy to carry and I couldn’t go to church for four months.
Yes, the cost has been high. Not only has our family paid a price in ministry, we have been tested by breast cancer, melanoma, mental illness, chronic and debilitating illness, a brain tumor, suicide, catastrophic loss. Sometimes God has moved mountains and parted the Red Sea for us; sometimes he hasn’t. Sometimes I can hear God and sometimes I can’t. Trouble, disappointment, and sorrow have grown a resilient soul. How can you develop resilience? What does it look like to stay in ministry when the wheels come off the bus? Where do ministry families go for help when addiction, adultery, rebellious kids, financial ruin, cancer, soul-scarring criticism, or a loved one’s death leave us burned out, bitter, or broken? Is it really possible to not only survive but thrive? How do we release the God-given gifts and abilities to bless and grow the church? Is there such a thing as loving a life in ministry? Sacred Privilege: Your Life and Ministry as a Pastor’s Wife takes a raw and honest look at those crucial questions. As I’ve traveled and listened to pastors’ wives from around the world, the questions, issues, and challenges are identical. Even though we experience a variety of cultures, pastors’ wives need the same encouragement, inspiration, and direction to become resilient in the reality of the pluses and minuses, ups and downs, joys and sorrows that come with a life in ministry. April 16, 2017, is coming — our 38th Easter. I still say being a pastor’s wife is a sacred privilege, the highest privilege I can imagine.

Recent Articles

How to Lead Faithfully in God’s Waiting Room

How to Lead Faithfully in God’s Waiting Room

Every pastor will spend time in God’s waiting room. You pray for a breakthrough—a stronger team, a new building, spiritual renewal—and nothing seems to move. You wonder, “God, why the delay?”If that’s where you are, take heart: A delay is not a denial.God’s timing is perfect. He’s never early, never late, and always right on schedule. In the Living Bible paraphrase, God says, “These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair. . . . They will not be overdue a single day” (Habakkuk 2:3).God may not fulfill your vision immediately because he’s doing something bigger than you can see. While you’re waiting, he’s working—arranging circumstances, shaping your character, and preparing the blessings he intends to give.God’s Waiting Room Is a ClassroomEvery delay in your life is a test of your faith. “So Abraham received what God promised because he waited patiently for it ” (Hebrews 6:15 GW). The waiting revealed the kind of faith Abraham had—and God does the same with us.In the early years of Saddleback Church, I learned this lesson firsthand. For 15 years we met in borrowed buildings—79 different ones—before we ever built a permanent facility. More than 10,000 people were attending before we broke ground on our first building. Every setback was another opportunity to trust God’s timing rather than my own.I once thought the waiting was about property and permits, but God was after something deeper. He wanted to build people before buildings. He wanted to develop faith before foundations. Looking back, I can see that the delays strengthened our church far more than instant success ever would have.While You’re Waiting, God Is WorkingGod doesn’t waste delays. They’re not wasted time—they’re training time. The same God who made you a promise is shaping you into the kind of person who can handle its fulfillment.You may be waiting for growth in your congregation, for unity in your leadership, for revival in your city, or even for personal renewal in your own soul. Whatever the wait looks like, remember: God is never in a hurry, but he’s always on time.“Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act” (Psalm 37:7 NLT). When you learn to trust God’s pace, you discover that the waiting is not punishment—it’s preparation.Don’t Waste the WaitingWaiting doesn’t mean doing nothing. Keep praying, keep serving, keep believing. Use the delay to deepen your roots. While you’re waiting for God to act around you, let him work within you.Moses spent 40 years in the desert before leading Israel out of Egypt. Joseph spent years in prison before fulfilling his dream. Even Jesus spent 30 years in preparation for three years of ministry. Waiting time is never wasted time when God is involved.God’s Delays Have a PurposeYou may not understand why God seems to be taking his time. But you can be sure of this: He’s weaving every detail together for his glory and your growth. What looks like a delay may be God’s way of preparing you for something far better than you imagined.At Saddleback, I saw God turn disappointment into direction, change closed doors into new opportunities, and grow long seasons of waiting into testimonies of his perfect timing. The same God who guided us will guide you.So if you’re in God’s waiting room today, don’t lose heart. Don’t waste the waiting. Let God use it to stretch your faith, shape your character, and strengthen your ministry. He’s never late, and when the time is right, the vision he’s placed in your heart will come to pass—right on schedule.
Five Ways to Slow Down Before You Burn Out

Five Ways to Slow Down Before You Burn Out

There have been times when I thought I was too busy to take time off. It never worked.You don’t have to be a prophet to know that technology has made three things happen in the world: It has made the world smaller, more complex, and faster. You live a much faster lifestyle than your parents did. Your children will live an even faster lifestyle than you do.As you and I know, pastors aren’t immune to these time pressures. With meetings, ever-shrinking sermon preparation time, and a crowded pastoral care schedule, our office calendars can stay full if we’re not careful. Then we get home and rush our kids to after-school events, grab a quick dinner, run to the hospital, go home, jump in bed, and hope there are no late-night phone calls.We can identify with what a USA Today article once said about life for many people: “Today people are souped up, stressed out, and overscheduled. In this brave new world, boundaries between work and family are disappearing. Everybody is mobile, and every moment is scheduled.”The Bible tells us that hurry, worry, and scurry have dramatic negative effects on our lives and ministries. If you’re serious about slowing your life down to a more humane pace, you’re going to have to make five countercultural changes to your lifestyle.1. Learn contentment. It starts in the heart. Paul says this about contentment: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” (Philippians 4:12 NIV). Contentment isn’t part of human nature—for pastors or for anyone else! We want life to be different—better. But we can’t slow down our lives unless we start being content with what we have.Contentment doesn’t mean you don’t want your church to grow. It doesn’t mean you don’t go after your God-given vision for your church. It just means a bigger church won’t make you any happier. Your relationship with Christ is where you find your true joy. Until you come to that conclusion, you won’t slow down.2. Obey the fourth commandment. Most of us would bristle if we were told that we were consistently breaking the Ten Commandments. But, pastor, many of us are. Remember the fourth commandment? We're supposed to take one day off every week. Are you doing that? For most of us, that’s not Sunday. We’re preaching, meeting with people, and overseeing worship services—we’re not resting. It doesn’t matter which day it is, but we need a day off.During the times that I’ve worked constantly—without taking time off—things always just got worse. I became more irritated with my family. I became more tired. And I didn’t get as much done. It was so prideful of me to think that what I was doing at that moment was more important than listening to what God said about how he made me.I know a pastor who had a church member get mad at him because he tried to call him several times on Monday and couldn’t get ahold of him. The pastor said, “Sorry, but that’s my day off.” The member said, “The devil doesn’t take a day off.” And the pastor replied, “You’re right. And if I didn’t, I’d be just like the devil.”3. Pause and pray before deciding. Stop and pray about the decisions you make on a regular basis. That doesn’t mean you wait a year before deciding something. I’m talking about 10 to 15 seconds. As you sit in an elders’ meeting or a counseling session, ask, “God, what do you want me to do in this instance?”How does this help you slow down? You’re pausing to get perspective. Perspective is what helps you make wise decisions. Most of us just want to make decisions faster, but it’s perspective that really makes better decisions.4. Learn to say no. You can’t keep adding things to your schedule without eliminating other things. Every time you add a new activity to your schedule, you need to take something else off the calendar. Whenever I used to see one of my mentors, Peter Drucker, he would say, “Don’t tell me what new thing you’re doing. Tell me what you’ve stopped doing.” The mark of leadership is knowing what not to do.Most of us have a hard time saying no to opportunities. So ask yourself two questions every time you’re given a new opportunity:Is it worth it? With every opportunity, you need to ask yourself whether it’s worth your energy, effort, reputation, and ultimately, your time. Your time is your life, and you need to decide whether the new opportunity is worth a portion of your life.What am I going to give up? You can’t just keep adding, adding, and adding. You have to give something up to take hold of a new opportunity. What will it be?5. Trust God’s timing. Impatience is often why we hurry. But impatience is simply a lack of trust. When you’re impatient, you’re saying, “God, I don’t really trust you. I don’t think you have my best interest at heart. You don’t know when I need it, and I’m in a hurry.” Is fast always better? No, it’s not.God has a plan for your life. You know that. But he also has a timetable for your life—and for your church, for that matter. Unfortunately, God never explains his timetable. And that can be frustrating! At Saddleback, we waited for years to get our own land and our own building. I couldn’t understand God’s timing. But God knew exactly what he was doing. Our church campus is visible from one of the busiest freeways in our community—a freeway that didn’t exist when we first started looking for land. That’s God’s timing.It’s painful when you’re in a hurry and God’s not. But it’s part of maturing and growing up. Children have to learn the difference between “no” and “not yet,” and we have to learn that too as we follow God’s lead. God knows the right time and the right way. He has a plan and a timetable.Ministry is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. God doesn’t want you to burn out. Whether you’re 30 or 70, he has purposes he wants to complete through you—and burnout won’t help you be ready for that work. Learning to slow down might be the most important ministry skill you learn this year.
Lead without Fear—the Lord Is for You

Lead without Fear—the Lord Is for You

“The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” (Psalm 118:6 NLT)Pastor, God is calling you to be a promise person—someone who chooses to focus on him and his promises even when ministry gets tough.If you’re leading anything that truly matters, criticism will come. People may misunderstand your decisions, question your motives, or resist your leadership. It’s part of shepherding people toward spiritual growth.But you don’t have to focus on the naysayers or the challenges that come with leadership. Focus instead on the Lord and his promises.Jesus modeled this perfectly: “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23 NIV).When criticism comes, resist the urge to defend yourself or vent your frustration. Instead, entrust yourself—and your ministry—to God. Pray, “Lord, I know you love me. I know you called me. I’m going to trust you with both the work and the outcome.”That’s the kind of mindset David had when he wrote, “The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” (Psalm 118:6 NLT). You don’t need anyone else’s approval to keep serving faithfully. The Lord is for you, and his opinion is the one that matters most.In the Message paraphrase, David says, “I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart” (Psalm 119:11). That’s the secret to staying steady when criticism or fatigue sets in: Keep storing up God’s promises until they outweigh the voices of doubt.So this week, take time to meditate on God’s promises. Write them down. Memorize them. Remind yourself that your worth and success come from his call, not from anyone’s applause.The Lord is for you. Trust his promises—and lead with courage and peace.
Trust God’s Promises as You Lead

Trust God’s Promises as You Lead

“The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” (Psalm 118:6 NLT)Pastor, God is calling you to be a promise person—someone who chooses to focus on him and his promises even when ministry gets tough.When you’re leading something that truly matters, criticism will come. People may misunderstand your decisions, question your motives, or resist your leadership. It’s part of shepherding people toward spiritual growth.But you don’t have to focus on the naysayers or the challenges that come with leadership. Focus instead on the Lord and his promises.Jesus modeled this perfectly: “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23 NIV).When criticism comes, resist the urge to defend yourself or vent your frustration. Instead, entrust yourself—and your ministry—to God. Pray, “Lord, I know you love me. I know you’ve called me. I’m going to trust you with both the work and the outcome.”David understood this when he wrote, “The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” (Psalm 118:6 NLT). You don’t need anyone else’s approval to keep serving faithfully. The Lord is for you, and his opinion is the one that matters most.In the Message paraphrase, David said, “I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart” (Psalm 119:11). That’s the secret to staying steady when criticism or fatigue sets in—keep storing up God’s promises until they outweigh the voices of doubt.So this week, take time to meditate on God’s promises. Write them down. Memorize them. Remind yourself that your worth and success come from his call, not from anyone’s applause.The Lord is for you. Trust his promises—and lead with courage and peace.
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