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Loving (Almost) Every Second of Life as a Pastor’s Wife

“They’re here! I can’t believe it — but they’re really here!” It was a beautiful, sunny Easter Sunday morning in Southern California, and Saddleback Valley Community Church officially launched. For 12 weeks, we and a small band of believers had met together in our home to dream, plan, and organize this launch day. We had hand-addressed and hand-stamped 15,000 letters to the community, introducing ourselves and our new church. We scoured yard sales and swap meets for used nursery equipment. We copied pages from coloring books for toddlers. We searched through lists of students from a local college to find childcare workers. I practiced the hymns (complete with updated lyrics to a few) on the piano to be certain my nervous fingers didn’t hit the wrong notes. We rented a portable sound system for the Laguna Hills High School Performing Arts Theater. Rick poured over the Bible for weeks, praying for God’s words to speak to the folks that might show up. We prayed. We fasted. We believed in faith. On April 6, 1980, we stood at the gates to Laguna Hills High School and waited nervously, hoping and praying that at least a few people would try our new church. They came! First one car, then three, then a dozen, then more. People of all ages — families, singles, old, young, and everything in between — began pouring out of the cars, quickly filling the parking lot. Rick and I enthusiastically greeted them all — hardly able to take in the truth that all our wild hopes were coming true. I remember smiling through tears at one point as I held out my hand in welcome to one of the 205 folks who read our mass mailing or heard about a new church for “those not interested in a traditional church” and decided to give it a shot. “God,” I whispered, “You are faithful. This is going to work!” A church was born that day. Rick became a senior pastor, and I was given a sacred privilege: I became a pastor’s wife. In the nearly four decades since, we have had front-row seats to witness thousands upon thousands of men, women, and children experience the grace of God to change their lives. This is their spiritual home, and we are family. These amazing people live sacrificially and give sacrificially so that others can know Jesus Christ as they do. These amazing people have taken the Gospel of Jesus Christ to every country in the world. These amazing people volunteer to wash windows, clean toilets, sort trash to buy Bibles, teach squirrelly toddlers and students, host small groups in their homes, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, teach English as a second language, tutor kids, walk the meanest streets to share God’s love with prostitutes and johns, courageously tell of how they’ve overcome their hurts habits and hang-ups through Celebrate Recovery, visit those behind bars, form care groups for people living with HIV and AIDS, adopt orphaned children locally and from around the world, embrace those living with mental illness, tear down the taboos of talking about suicide in church, offer grief support, take meals to families facing a crisis, use art to heal broken places in the soul, apply their gifts of technology, write music that honors God, help cranky and anxious drivers find parking spaces, and extend the love of Jesus into every corner of our community and beyond. I have loved every second. Well, almost every second. There were a few times . . .
  • I wished Rick had been anything but a pastor. A plumber . . . a pharmacist . . . a photographer . . . a principal — anything but a pastor.
  • I envied other families taking leisurely bike rides on a Saturday afternoon while my husband was feverishly finishing his message. I admit to being jealous of couples going on Friday night dates while my husband studied, or being sad that other friends went out to lunch after church on Sunday while my husband came home and collapsed into bed after preaching as many as six services.
  • There have been times I resented the intrusion of the ministry into every Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
  • Times when family vacation had to be moved to accommodate a major event at church.
  • Times my heart was shredded when people we had invested in, loved dearly, grown so close with left the church. Some went quietly, lacking the courage to tell us directly. Some made a lot of noise, telling everyone they could how terrible Saddleback was. All I knew was it hurt. Badly.
  • Times when my kids were treated unfairly; when too-high expectations by Sunday school teachers and youth workers and church members who thought the pastor’s family should be perfect all the time created pressure for them.
  • Times when the stress of living with a mentally ill child who threatened suicide on a regular basis made it almost impossible to do the standard meet-and-greet on the patio — clenching my teeth in a forced smile that belied the ache and anxiety in my heart.
  • A time when grieving my son’s death in public was a burden too heavy to carry and I couldn’t go to church for four months.
Yes, the cost has been high. Not only has our family paid a price in ministry, we have been tested by breast cancer, melanoma, mental illness, chronic and debilitating illness, a brain tumor, suicide, catastrophic loss. Sometimes God has moved mountains and parted the Red Sea for us; sometimes he hasn’t. Sometimes I can hear God and sometimes I can’t. Trouble, disappointment, and sorrow have grown a resilient soul. How can you develop resilience? What does it look like to stay in ministry when the wheels come off the bus? Where do ministry families go for help when addiction, adultery, rebellious kids, financial ruin, cancer, soul-scarring criticism, or a loved one’s death leave us burned out, bitter, or broken? Is it really possible to not only survive but thrive? How do we release the God-given gifts and abilities to bless and grow the church? Is there such a thing as loving a life in ministry? Sacred Privilege: Your Life and Ministry as a Pastor’s Wife takes a raw and honest look at those crucial questions. As I’ve traveled and listened to pastors’ wives from around the world, the questions, issues, and challenges are identical. Even though we experience a variety of cultures, pastors’ wives need the same encouragement, inspiration, and direction to become resilient in the reality of the pluses and minuses, ups and downs, joys and sorrows that come with a life in ministry. April 16, 2017, is coming — our 38th Easter. I still say being a pastor’s wife is a sacred privilege, the highest privilege I can imagine.

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Leave Some Room to Listen

Leave Some Room to Listen

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What Jesus Does When You Fail

What Jesus Does When You Fail

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)Maybe you blew it last week, Pastor. A decision that hurt someone. A harsh word in a meeting. A weakness you swore you'd beaten, back again. And now it's Monday, and Sunday is already coming.Failure is isolating. When you're in the middle of a failure, you feel ashamed and just want to be alone. That's doubly true when you lead a church. You're supposed to be the person who’s whole.But Jesus is with you always, even in your greatest failure. To help you through your failures, he is doing three things:Jesus prays for you. Even before Peter had failed, Jesus told him, "I have prayed for you, that your faith will not fail" (Luke 22:32 NASB).Even at this very moment, Jesus is interceding—praying—for you. The Bible says, "He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf" (Hebrews 7:25 NLT).Jesus believes in you. In fact, he expects you to heal and recover. That's why, before Peter’s big failure, Jesus told him, "When you have repented and turned to me again . . ." (Luke 22:32 NLT). Jesus knew Peter would sin and fail and eventually come back to him.And Jesus knows the same about you. We all fail, and we fail repeatedly. Your biggest weaknesses are often habitual. The same one, again and again. But God isn't only there for the big, one-time failure. He's there for the mistakes you make over and over.Jesus shows you mercy. Jesus is more willing to show mercy than you are willing to ask for it. When you're down, he doesn't beat you up or add to your guilt. He saves you.In John 21, not long after Peter denied him, Jesus found Peter back in his fishing boat. Empty nets. A failed night. At dawn Jesus called from the shore and told Peter and the other fishermen where to cast. "So they did, and they couldn't haul in the net because there were so many fish in it" (John 21:6 NLT).That catch was Jesus' answer to Peter's failure. He is ready to do the same for you. He can do more in five minutes than you can do in 50 years of planning.And God's mercy toward you is not dependent on your performance. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning—including this Monday morning.You may be ready to give up on yourself, Pastor. Jesus isn't. He is praying for you, believes in you, and will always show you mercy. He has never been more faithful to you than he is today.
7 Reasons to Plan Your Preaching in Advance

7 Reasons to Plan Your Preaching in Advance

Every pastor knows the pressure of staring at a blank page and asking, “What am I going to preach this week?” If you wait until Monday to make that decision, you may spend half your preparation time deciding instead of preparing.Your people can tell the difference between a meal that was carefully prepared and one that was thrown together at the last minute. The same is true of sermons. No church grows healthy on a steady diet of spiritual fast food.Paul told Timothy, “Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction” (2 Timothy 4:2 NIV). Those two words matter: “be prepared.” Good preaching requires more than inspiration. It requires planning.Some pastors worry that scheduling sermons in advance will leave no room for the Holy Spirit to lead. But God plans. Jesus followed the Father’s timetable for his ministry, and Paul made plans for where he would preach and serve. 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Collect stronger material ahead of time.Advance planning gives you time to collect material long before you preach a message. If you know a series is coming, you can gather Scripture, illustrations, quotations, stories, and insights over several months instead of several days.I often prepared several possible series knowing I would not preach all of them that year. Nothing was wasted. The material I collected kept growing richer until the right time came to use it.Would you rather have five days or five months to prepare?3. Create room for greater creativity.Planning gives creativity room to work.During my years at Saddleback, when we knew where a series was going, our team could prepare testimonies, music, small-group material, memory verses, and other elements that supported what we were teaching. We could help the whole church move in the same direction.We never could have done that if I had decided everything at the last minute.4. Build momentum through sermon series.A series lets each message build on the one before it. People know where you are going, and they have a reason to return the next week.Momentum grows when you can say, “Next week, we’re going to look at this.” The congregation begins to anticipate what is coming, and each message adds weight to the larger truth you are teaching.That is difficult to create when every Sunday stands alone.5. Use special days strategically.Certain Sundays naturally bring more guests. Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and other special days give you an opportunity to begin or announce a series that will bring people back.During my years at Saddleback, I often started a new series on Easter or announced one at Christmas Eve for the new year. I wanted to make the most of a day when people were already listening.A strong Sunday can introduce what you will teach in the weeks that follow.6. Help people invite others.When people know what you will preach, they can think of friends who need that message. If an upcoming week addresses resentment, worry, marriage, or another real challenge, your members can invite someone who is facing it.But they cannot invite people to a message they know nothing about. Advance planning gives your church time to pray, invite, and prepare.7. Reduce the stress of weekly indecision.Without a plan, the question “What am I going to preach?” follows you around all week.A lot of procrastination is really indecision. You are not unwilling to prepare. You simply have not decided where to begin.That is one reason I often preached in series. Instead of making a major subject decision every week, I made it several times a year. Once I knew the direction, I could spend my energy asking, “What does God say about this, and how can I communicate it clearly?”Start with one seriesIf you have never planned your preaching, don’t begin by mapping out an entire year. Start with one four- to six-week series. Then try planning the next three months.Pray over your plans. Invite input from trusted leaders. Hold every decision with humility, and let God redirect you when he wants to.Proverbs 21:5 says, “Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts you further behind” (MSG).Before this week gets away from you, block out time to look beyond Sunday. Sunday pressure will always come, but you do not have to let it decide your church’s spiritual diet.
Freedom for a Pastor

Freedom for a Pastor

Pastor, both praise and criticism can get louder than they deserve.A kind word can lift you. A hard comment can sit in your head all week. But neither one is meant to run your ministry. If approval is in charge, you’ll perform. If criticism is in charge, you’ll defend yourself. Either way, you’ll lose the steady spirit God wants to give you.Paul knew what pressure felt like. He was criticized, misunderstood, rejected, beaten, imprisoned, and exhausted. But he still wrote, “Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart” (2 Corinthians 4:1 NIV).That’s where steady ministry begins. You don’t keep going because everybody understands you. You keep going because God, in his mercy, gave you the ministry.Stop trying to please everybodyNothing wears you out faster than trying to be someone you’re not. For pastors, that often shows up as trying to keep everybody happy.Even God doesn’t please everybody. One person prays for rain. Another prays for sunshine. One group wants the church to move faster. Another group wants it to slow down. One person thinks you said too much. Another thinks you didn’t say enough.If you make pleasing everyone your goal, you’ve chosen a goal even God doesn’t meet.Paul said, “We do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake” (2 Corinthians 4:5 NIV). His point is plain: I’m not the subject of my ministry. Jesus is.That gives you freedom. You can listen without being controlled. You can care without performing. You can receive correction without becoming a people-pleaser.Lead from truth, not reactionPaul also wrote, “Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God” (2 Corinthians 4:2 NIV).In other words, don’t manipulate. Don’t pose. Don’t twist the truth to get the reaction you want. Just teach the truth plainly and live honestly before God.That is freedom for a pastor.You don’t have to wear a mask. You don’t have to act stronger than you are. You don’t have to pretend criticism never hurts. You simply have to be faithful, truthful, and real.When praise comes, remind yourself: This isn’t about me. When criticism comes, say the same thing. It keeps both in their proper place.That doesn’t make you careless. It makes you free.Keep the right voice in chargePastor, loud voices should not set the direction of your ministry.Listen humbly. Learn what you need to learn. Love difficult people. But don’t spend your week trying to quiet critics or impress admirers.God did not call you to be driven by praise or manipulated by criticism. He called you to serve Jesus, speak the truth plainly, and keep going in mercy.So this week, before you answer the next complaint or chase the next compliment, pause long enough to remember who gave you this ministry.Then do the next faithful thing.
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