Pastors.com
Loving (Almost) Every Second of Life as a Pastor’s Wife

“They’re here! I can’t believe it — but they’re really here!” It was a beautiful, sunny Easter Sunday morning in Southern California, and Saddleback Valley Community Church officially launched. For 12 weeks, we and a small band of believers had met together in our home to dream, plan, and organize this launch day. We had hand-addressed and hand-stamped 15,000 letters to the community, introducing ourselves and our new church. We scoured yard sales and swap meets for used nursery equipment. We copied pages from coloring books for toddlers. We searched through lists of students from a local college to find childcare workers. I practiced the hymns (complete with updated lyrics to a few) on the piano to be certain my nervous fingers didn’t hit the wrong notes. We rented a portable sound system for the Laguna Hills High School Performing Arts Theater. Rick poured over the Bible for weeks, praying for God’s words to speak to the folks that might show up. We prayed. We fasted. We believed in faith. On April 6, 1980, we stood at the gates to Laguna Hills High School and waited nervously, hoping and praying that at least a few people would try our new church. They came! First one car, then three, then a dozen, then more. People of all ages — families, singles, old, young, and everything in between — began pouring out of the cars, quickly filling the parking lot. Rick and I enthusiastically greeted them all — hardly able to take in the truth that all our wild hopes were coming true. I remember smiling through tears at one point as I held out my hand in welcome to one of the 205 folks who read our mass mailing or heard about a new church for “those not interested in a traditional church” and decided to give it a shot. “God,” I whispered, “You are faithful. This is going to work!” A church was born that day. Rick became a senior pastor, and I was given a sacred privilege: I became a pastor’s wife. In the nearly four decades since, we have had front-row seats to witness thousands upon thousands of men, women, and children experience the grace of God to change their lives. This is their spiritual home, and we are family. These amazing people live sacrificially and give sacrificially so that others can know Jesus Christ as they do. These amazing people have taken the Gospel of Jesus Christ to every country in the world. These amazing people volunteer to wash windows, clean toilets, sort trash to buy Bibles, teach squirrelly toddlers and students, host small groups in their homes, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, teach English as a second language, tutor kids, walk the meanest streets to share God’s love with prostitutes and johns, courageously tell of how they’ve overcome their hurts habits and hang-ups through Celebrate Recovery, visit those behind bars, form care groups for people living with HIV and AIDS, adopt orphaned children locally and from around the world, embrace those living with mental illness, tear down the taboos of talking about suicide in church, offer grief support, take meals to families facing a crisis, use art to heal broken places in the soul, apply their gifts of technology, write music that honors God, help cranky and anxious drivers find parking spaces, and extend the love of Jesus into every corner of our community and beyond. I have loved every second. Well, almost every second. There were a few times . . .
  • I wished Rick had been anything but a pastor. A plumber . . . a pharmacist . . . a photographer . . . a principal — anything but a pastor.
  • I envied other families taking leisurely bike rides on a Saturday afternoon while my husband was feverishly finishing his message. I admit to being jealous of couples going on Friday night dates while my husband studied, or being sad that other friends went out to lunch after church on Sunday while my husband came home and collapsed into bed after preaching as many as six services.
  • There have been times I resented the intrusion of the ministry into every Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
  • Times when family vacation had to be moved to accommodate a major event at church.
  • Times my heart was shredded when people we had invested in, loved dearly, grown so close with left the church. Some went quietly, lacking the courage to tell us directly. Some made a lot of noise, telling everyone they could how terrible Saddleback was. All I knew was it hurt. Badly.
  • Times when my kids were treated unfairly; when too-high expectations by Sunday school teachers and youth workers and church members who thought the pastor’s family should be perfect all the time created pressure for them.
  • Times when the stress of living with a mentally ill child who threatened suicide on a regular basis made it almost impossible to do the standard meet-and-greet on the patio — clenching my teeth in a forced smile that belied the ache and anxiety in my heart.
  • A time when grieving my son’s death in public was a burden too heavy to carry and I couldn’t go to church for four months.
Yes, the cost has been high. Not only has our family paid a price in ministry, we have been tested by breast cancer, melanoma, mental illness, chronic and debilitating illness, a brain tumor, suicide, catastrophic loss. Sometimes God has moved mountains and parted the Red Sea for us; sometimes he hasn’t. Sometimes I can hear God and sometimes I can’t. Trouble, disappointment, and sorrow have grown a resilient soul. How can you develop resilience? What does it look like to stay in ministry when the wheels come off the bus? Where do ministry families go for help when addiction, adultery, rebellious kids, financial ruin, cancer, soul-scarring criticism, or a loved one’s death leave us burned out, bitter, or broken? Is it really possible to not only survive but thrive? How do we release the God-given gifts and abilities to bless and grow the church? Is there such a thing as loving a life in ministry? Sacred Privilege: Your Life and Ministry as a Pastor’s Wife takes a raw and honest look at those crucial questions. As I’ve traveled and listened to pastors’ wives from around the world, the questions, issues, and challenges are identical. Even though we experience a variety of cultures, pastors’ wives need the same encouragement, inspiration, and direction to become resilient in the reality of the pluses and minuses, ups and downs, joys and sorrows that come with a life in ministry. April 16, 2017, is coming — our 38th Easter. I still say being a pastor’s wife is a sacred privilege, the highest privilege I can imagine.

Recent Articles

The Bartimaeus Principle: Respond to Jesus Now

The Bartimaeus Principle: Respond to Jesus Now

The Bible tells the story of a blind man named Bartimaeus. One day, as Jesus and his followers left Jericho, they came upon him begging by the side of the road. When he heard that Jesus was nearby, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” (Mark 10:47 NIV).When Bartimaeus got up that morning, he had no idea that this was the day Jesus was going to walk by. He thought it was just another ordinary day: same place, same cry for help, same situation. But suddenly Jesus was there. Bartimaeus had no time to prepare or think through his response. It was just an opportunity that dropped in his lap. And he chose to seize the moment. He decided not to delay or procrastinate. He was going to do it—now.That’s the first key to a fresh start in your life and ministry, too: Whatever you’re going to do, do it now. Don’t say, “Next year I’ll have that hard conversation,” or “Next month I’ll start investing in that young leader,” or “Tomorrow I’ll finally deal with that area of my life.” It’s now or never. Seize the moment!Pastor, every week we have opportunities for a fresh start in ministry, but too often we let them slip by. Why? We procrastinate. Procrastination is a strange phenomenon. You think it will make your life easier, when it actually does just the opposite. It’s a stress generator! When you know the right thing to do, today is the time to do it. The Bible warns over and over about procrastination. In the Message paraphrase, Jesus says, “No procrastination. No backward looks. You can’t put God's kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day” (Luke 9:62).Whatever God is prompting you to do in your preaching, in your shepherding, in your leadership—do it today. Don’t delay. Follow the example of Bartimaeus and seize the moment.
Pastors Are People-Builders

Pastors Are People-Builders

For 12 years the Green Bay Packers won only 30 percent of their games. By 1958 they were 1 in 10. They were terrible. Then came Vince Lombardi. He was a people-builder. During the next nine years with the Packers, he had nine winning seasons. They beat their opponents 75 percent of the time and won five championships, including the first two Super Bowls. That’s the resume of a people-builder. A people-builder makes people better.Pastor, you’re a people-builder, too. God is using you to help people be all that he has made them to be. But more than likely, you’ve never been trained to do that. How do you bring out the best in people? Whether it’s the average layperson in your congregation, a leader you’re mentoring, or a staff person you’re helping to grow, your ability to build people is essential to what you do. In fact, your need to be a people-builder isn’t limited to your ministry role. You also need to be a builder of your family and friends.These four steps will help you build people more effectively:Give people a personal challenge. Paul does this in Ephesians 4:1: “Therefore I, the prisoner in the Lord, urge you to walk worthy of the calling you have received” (CSB). He challenges readers to make their lives count. Why? We all need a cause, a project, or a dream that calls forth the best in our lives. Your people need a cause or dream to strive for, too.God wants you and your congregation to use your strengths and abilities for him. In the secular world, career planning, temperament analysis, and competency tests are big business. Why? We all need someone who will give us a personal challenge, help us discover what we’re good at, and urge us to do it well.    The Bible teaches us that’s what the church should do. We should be people-builders. That’s always been the idea around the CLASS system developed at Saddleback. In each of those classes, we challenge people to live out God’s purposes. What’s your church doing to challenge people to fulfill God’s purposes?Give them complete confidence. Paul says in Romans 15:2, “We should all be concerned about our neighbor and the good things that will build his faith” (GWT). Paul tells us to build up others in the faith. Pastor, to bring out the best in others, we need to give them complete confidence in what God can do through them. Jesus did this with Peter. Peter’s name Petros meant “pebble.” But Jesus, in effect, said, “Pebble, you’re going to be a rock. I’m giving you a new name.” When Jesus said that to Peter, he was anything but a rock. He was Mr. Impulsive, Mr. Foot-in-Mouth, Mr. Let’s Do It! But Jesus said he was going to be a rock. Jesus didn’t tell him what he was; he told him what he could be.Whenever you label somebody, you reinforce what they are. Label the people you lead as “lazy,” “unorganized,” or “a temper problem,” and that’s what you’ll get. Build them up instead. God did this to Gideon. He called him a “mighty man of courage” when he was the biggest wimp out there. God called him a man of courage, and he became one.    1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “So encourage each other and give each other strength, just as you are doing now” (NCV). If you’re going to be a people-builder, you’ve got to be good at encouragement. How do you do that? Here are three tips:It needs to be real—not insincere manipulation. It needs to be regular. Express it frequently.It needs to be recognizable or precise. Tell the person exactly what you’re encouraging in him or her.Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “Whenever something is wrong, I hear it from my boss!” Don’t be that kind of boss; it’s poor leadership.  Give them wise counsel. You’ll see no progress without learning, and no learning without feedback. Since none of us is perfect, our perceptions get off base. We need people in our lives who will lay it out on the line and be honest with us.Proverbs 27:17, says, “People learn from one another, just as iron sharpens iron” (GNT). We bring out the best in others when we’re willing to be honest with them. People-builders care enough to correct and confront.   Remember, though, correction is very powerful and can be dangerous. Correction done the right way builds people up; correction done the wrong way can scar a person for life. What is the difference between the right and wrong way to correct? It’s your attitude in correcting. If your attitude is: “I’m going to point out this weakness in your life just to point it out,” that’s wrong. People don’t need to have their faults pointed out. Most of us are well aware of our faults. Your purpose must be to change their behavior, not to condemn them. Ephesians 4:1 says, “We will speak the truth in love” (NLT).Give them full credit. To be a people-builder, you need to praise the growth and the changes you see in the lives of others. I used to have a sign in my office that said, “God can do great things through the person who doesn’t care who gets the credit.” That’s part of people-building. Usually we like to share the blame and keep the credit. The Bible says we’re to do just the opposite. Romans 12:10 says, “Let us have real warm affection for one another . . . and a willingness to let the other man have the credit” (PHILLIPS). As a pastor, you’ll get a lot of the credit when things go well (and a lot of the blame when they don’t). That’s natural. But next time someone showers you with praise for something going well at the church (recent growth, a new event that’s making an impact, or something like that), find out who should share the credit and give it to them. That’s leadership. It’s also how you build the leaders you have. If you’re always taking the credit for what’s happening in your church, it shouldn’t surprise you when you have trouble keeping leaders.  Applying these four principles will take a lot of work. I won’t sugar-coat it. There’s always a price tag to being a people-builder. It may take your time, your effort, your money, your energy—and it may lead to losing your privacy. Most of all, it’ll cost you selfishness. You can’t be selfish and be a people-builder.So why should you do it? Because of what God has done for you. God has been good to you, so you should be good to others. Do it out of a response to all God has done in your life. I want to challenge you to spend the rest of your ministry—the rest of your life, for that matter—as a people-builder. Focus your ministry around helping others be all that God has called them to be. That’s what a shepherd does; that’s what a pastor does.I can't think of a better way to spend my life.
Joy Returns When Christ Is First

Joy Returns When Christ Is First

Pastor, a lot of people—including those of us in ministry—are looking for joy in all the wrong places. We chase after bigger churches, more effective programs, or the applause of peers and congregants. But joy never shows up there.Misplaced priorities can eliminate your ministry joy.Paul explained this in his letter to the Philippians: “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:7–8, NIV)That was Paul’s “profit and loss statement.” Everything that once seemed like a gain now counted as loss compared to knowing Christ. Even while sitting in a prison cell, Paul could rejoice because his priorities were centered on Jesus.Notice the word “rubbish.” The translators were being polite. The original word means dung, manure. Paul wasn’t mincing words. Without Jesus, everything else—fame, money, or power—is worthless garbage. Only Christ brings lasting joy.You will lose your joy in ministry if you let lesser things distract you. People will let you down. Plans won’t always work out. Attendance will fluctuate. If you keep your focus there, joy will evaporate.Paul reminds us that life is about tradeoffs. He surrendered everything so that he could be found “in Christ.” Jesus said the same thing: “No one can serve two masters.” (Matthew 6:24, NIV) Many of us want Jesus plus something else. But you can’t have two #1s.Here’s the reality: When we come to Christ, we give up everything. That may feel restrictive at first, but it’s really the doorway to joy. When we surrender, Jesus reshapes our gifts, reforms our goals, and gives them back with greater purpose than before.Missionary Jim Elliot, who gave his life in Ecuador, put it this way: “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”So what are you holding on to that keeps stealing your joy? Has your ministry—even your goals for it—taken the place of Christ?It’s time to reorder your priorities. Put Jesus back in the center. When you do, you’ll discover again the joy you’ve been missing.
Faith Before the Miracle

Faith Before the Miracle

Ministry often feels like standing on the edge of a fast-moving river—uncertain, overwhelming, and too deep to cross. You know what God has called you to do, but the next step still feels risky.That’s where Joshua found himself as he prepared to lead Israel into the Promised Land. God had given him the assignment, but it required courage. That’s why God said not once, but three times: “Be strong and courageous. . . . Be strong and very courageous. . . . Be strong and courageous!” (Joshua 1:6-7, 9 NLT).Fear can keep you from starting.Discouragement can keep you from continuing.But God has already given you what you need to move forward:God is with you. No matter what meetings, hospital visits, hard conversations, or leadership decisions await you this week, you won’t face them alone. “No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you” (Joshua 1:5 NLT). God keeps his promises. He hasn’t brought you this far to abandon his work in you or through you. “Be strong and courageous, for you will distribute the land I swore to their ancestors to give them as an inheritance” (Joshua 1:6 CSB).God has called you to this. This isn’t a job you picked for yourself. You’re not in ministry by accident. “Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9 CSB).When the priests arrived at the Jordan River, God didn’t stop the water in advance. He told them to step into it—and then the waters would stop. He asked them to trust him, not the circumstances.Sometimes the miracle happens after the step, not before.Pastor, is there something you’re hesitating to do because you’re waiting for God to clear the path first? Is there a conversation you’re avoiding, a change you’re delaying, a vision you’ve shelved?Be strong. Be courageous. God has not changed. He is with you.And he’s still parting rivers when his people step forward in faith.
© 2025 Pastors.com All rights reserved.
PO Box 80448, Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 92688