
You say it from the pulpit all the time: Nobody grows alone. Get in a group. Find people who really know you. It's some of the best counsel you give your church.
Then Sunday ends, and you drive home the loneliest person in the building.
Most pastors have no close friends. We shepherd from behind a professional distance, urging our people to build the very relationships we've never built ourselves. I understand why. It feels safer. But it isn't sustainable, and it isn't biblical.
Let me say it as plainly as I can: I could not have pastored Saddleback Church all those years without my small group.
You can't follow Jesus alone
The Bible says, "In Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others" (Romans 12:5 NIV). That verse has three very important words: body, member, and belongs. The Christian life is not just a matter of believing; it's a matter of belonging.
A lot of people think following Christ means, "It’s just me and Jesus. I don't need other people." Nothing could be further from the truth. A hand cut off from the body shrivels and dies. A Christian without real community is like a bee without a hive.
The Living Bible paraphrase says, “You belong in God's household with every other Christian" (Ephesians 2:19). In fact, the New Testament uses the phrase "one another" 58 times: love one another, encourage one another, pray for one another, carry one another's burdens. You cannot obey the “one anothers” in a crowd. You can only obey them with a handful of people who are committed to you, and you to them.
Pastor, that verse doesn't come with an exemption clause for church leaders.
If Jesus needed a small group, you need a small group
Think about how Jesus began his ministry. He went out to the Jordan, John baptized him, the Spirit descended, and the Father spoke over him. Then the very first thing Jesus did as his ministry launched was form a small group.
If Jesus needed a small group, and Jesus knew the importance of a small group, and Jesus did his ministry through a small group, then if I want to be like Jesus, I'm going to be in a small group.
Look at how his ministry ended, too. Facing the cross, Jesus took his inner three aside in Gethsemane. He didn't hand them an assignment. In effect, he said, "I don't need you to pray. I don't need you to talk. I don't need your advice. I just need you to be with me."
There is power in relationship. It is the power of presence. If the Son of God wanted friends beside him in his darkest hour, why do you believe you can white-knuckle through yours alone?
My small group kept me in ministry
The small group I was in for years went from vacations to devastations together. We faced cancer. We faced bankruptcies. We faced problems with children, mental illness, tax troubles, and unemployment. We took each other to the emergency room at least 10 times, and we sat with each other through the night.
Those couples carried Kay and me through seasons we could not have survived on our own, and we carried them through theirs. That is the mutual ministry of the body of Christ, happening in a living room.
And here's what I learned as a leader: If you want your people to be in a small group, then you must be in a small group. Tell stories about it. Let your church hear how it has ministered to you. Your people will never value community more than you visibly do.
Let someone speak into your ear
Real friendship also means letting somebody tell you the truth. Years ago I asked my friend Os Guinness, one of the wisest men I knew, to serve as a personal advisor to me, to speak into my ear and give me input before I stepped into hard rooms. I had been preaching for decades. I still needed a trusted voice with access to my life.
So who has that role in yours? This can’t be a podcast preacher you admire from a distance, but a friend who knows your number and uses it.
Every climb needs a team
Sir Edmund Hillary wrote in his autobiography, High Adventure, that you'd be foolish to attempt to climb Mount Everest by yourself. You simply can't do it without a team to support you.
That's true of every climb in life. If you want to climb out of debt, you need people climbing with you. If you want to climb out of grief, or loss, or insecurity, you need a team making the climb beside you. Ministry is one long climb, and you were never meant to make it solo.
When you're under stress, it helps to have people praying for you by name, not just vaguely from the pews. Jesus said, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them" (Matthew 18:20 NIV). That could be Monday morning in a coffee shop or Thursday night in a living room.
Success is never a solo act. It takes a team to fulfill a dream.
Believe your own sermon
Pastor, don't wait for friendship to find you. It won't. This week, take the step you'd prescribe to anyone else in your congregation: Get in a group where you can be a person before you're a pastor. Tell your people a story about it. Ask one trusted friend to speak into your ear.
You've spent years telling your church they can't do life alone. You were right. If Jesus needed a small group, you do too.