Pastor, sooner or later the call comes. Someone in your church has just lost a husband, a friend, a job. On the drive over, you think what almost everyone thinks: I don't know what to say.

Most people in your church feel that way, so they do nothing. They wait for the hurting person to reach out, and that never happens. Pastors face the opposite temptation. We think we're supposed to have the words, so we fill the silence with explanations and advice.

Everyone you lead will face loss, and so will you. The Bible says, “He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us” (2 Corinthians 1:4 NCV). Helping hurting people is part of the assignment. You're going to need this skill for the rest of your ministry. Here's how to do it when you don't have the words.

Don't be afraid of tears

Before we get to what to do, you need to see tears the way God does. You can feel sorrow because you're made in the image of a God who feels it. The Bible says the Father was grieved over human sin (Genesis 6:6). The Spirit groans with us when we pray (Romans 8:26). And when Jesus stood with the mourners after Lazarus died, the Bible says, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35 NIV).

Jesus wasn't ashamed to cry in public, and the people watching understood what his tears meant: He loved his friend. Tears are a sign of love, not weakness.

That matters for pastors, because we often think we have to be the strong one in the room. “I need to hold it together for them.” That's a mistake. Sympathy says, “I'm sorry you hurt.” Empathy shows, “I'm hurting with you.” A grieving person needs to see that you feel it too.

And please don't tell someone to stop crying. People usually say that because tears make them uncomfortable. But feelings are meant to be felt. The Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15 ESV).

God takes tears so seriously that he keeps them: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8 NLT). If God counts every tear, you don't need to rush anyone past theirs.

Learn from what Job's friends got right

Job lost his children, his wealth, and his health almost overnight. We usually remember his friends for what they got wrong, and once they started giving opinions, they got plenty wrong. But before they said a word, they did three things exactly right. Those three things, plus one more, give you a simple way to help anyone in deep pain.

1. Don't wait. Take the initiative.

The most common mistake is waiting for the hurting person to call you. They won't.

Job's friends went to him. “When Job's three friends . . . heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him” (Job 2:11 NIV). They didn't wait for an invitation, and they went together.

Who in your church is hurting right now that you haven't contacted because you don't know what to say? Write down that name, and reach out this week.

2. Don't hold back. Let them see your tears.

“When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads” (Job 2:12 NIV).

Tearing robes and throwing dust were how people in that culture showed grief. You don't need to do either. But weeping is understood everywhere. People may misunderstand your words, but they won't misunderstand your tears.

Job's friends didn't stand at a distance and say they were sorry. They entered his pain. That kind of empathy bonds people together.

3. Don't speak. Show up and shut up.

“Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words” (Job 2:13 NLT).

There's nothing you can say that will take away someone's deep pain. They don't want to be cheered up, and they don't need an explanation. Remember this: The greater the pain, the fewer words you should use. That's the ministry of presence.

4. Don't forget. All tears are temporary.

No matter how deep the grief is today, it won't last forever. Three times the Bible promises that God will wipe away our tears (Isaiah 25:8; Revelation 7:17; Revelation 21:4). The last promise comes near the end of the Bible: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever” (Revelation 21:4 NLT).

Hold on to that when you're sitting with someone in pain. And hold on to it when you're the one grieving.

Who needs you to show up this week?

Hurting people are all around you, in your church and outside it. If you care, you'll be aware. You don't need perfect words. You need to go, let them see that you are hurting with them, and say less than you think you should.

So make that visit this week. Let your presence say what your words can't.