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3 Ways to Fight Complacency in a Ministry Leader’s Marriage

Being in ministry doesn’t make our marriage immune to complacency. It’s way too easy for us to get so focused on ministry that we forget our responsibility to our marriage. God doesn’t call you to focus on helping other people to the point that you ignore your spouse—our family is a higher priority! When we’re too busy to have time for our spouse, it’s a sign of marriage complacency. When we don’t have time to talk, or to just be together, we have allowed our marriage to become a low priority. Take a realistic look at your marriage, do any of the following apply to you?
  • Infrequent expressions of kindness or affection
  • Rarely say, “I love you.”
  • When together, you’re often distracted or not “present”
  • Lazy with little things that show respect like taking the trash out, leaving a mess, etc.
  • Superficial conversations
  • Bickering
  • Apathetic or critical heart towards your spouse
Here’s the solution to complacency: court your spouse. I’m convinced if there were more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court! The Bible tells us this in Ecclesiastes 9:9: “Relish life with the spouse your love” (The Message). You can’t be complacent and relish life with your spouse at the same time. It’s not possible. Here are three ideas for fighting complacency in your marriage:

1. Schedule a weekly date. I know your schedule is hectic. But make time for a weekly date. You can do it any time. It doesn’t need to be on Friday or Saturday night. For years, Kay and I did it on Monday mornings. You don’t need to spend much money on it either, but you desperately need the time alone together.

I’ll take it one step further, too. Remember what you did on your first dates. Both of you need to prepare for these dates like you’re not married. Pretend you’re still in wooing mode. Take time to get ready. Pick out just the right clothes. Get to know what kind of date your spouse wants and prepare for it.

2. Plan adventures together. You had adventures together when you were courting. But I’m guessing you have fewer of those these days. Predictability kills marriages.

Too many of us plan adventures and fun into our lives after we finish our work—or worse yet, we plan to do it once we retire. You talk about the trip you’ll take when life at the church calms down or when the kids get out of the house or when you retire. But you know this as well as I do, when you’re in ministry, the work is never done.

So plan your adventure today. Do something together you’ve never, ever done before. Find a challenge you can meet together. Take a trip. Sign up for a class. Say goodbye to monotony.

3. Touch each other more often. Before you got married, you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other. Now that you’re married, you don’t even hold hands. When that happens, the devil has won a great victory in your marriage.

Everyone needs physical affection. You may not feel affectionate because you’re too tired, too stressed, have a health issue, or are dealing with some unresolved resentment in your life. But don’t wait until you feel affectionate to show affection to your spouse. Your feelings will always follow your behavior. Don’t let a day go by without some kind of physical contact with your spouse.

You’ve probably poured your life into many marriages during your ministry. It’s time to turn the attention to your own marriage. If you’re going to go the distance in your ministry, you and your spouse must cultivate your life together.

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Five Ways to Lead Your Church Toward Unity

Five Ways to Lead Your Church Toward Unity

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Before You Say Yes: 3 Questions Every Pastor Should Ask

Before You Say Yes: 3 Questions Every Pastor Should Ask

“If any of you needs wisdom to know what you should do, you should ask God, and he will give it to you. God is generous to everyone and doesn’t find fault with them.”James 1:5 (GW)You’re likely reading this on a Monday. Yesterday, you poured your heart for your congregation—preaching, shepherding, and leading your people. Now, you’re tired. God wants you to get your proper rest. If you’re burning the candle at both ends, you’re not as bright as you think you are. You’re going to burn out!Every week, you’re probably offered more ministry opportunities than you could take on in a month. That counseling appointment, that community invitation, that extra meeting—they’re all good things. But without wisdom, even good opportunities can become spiritual quicksand.When a new opportunity crosses your desk, take these three steps:Ask, “Is it worth it?” Will this serve the kingdom in the way God has wired you to serve? Is it worth the time, energy, and emotional bandwidth it will cost? Every “yes” is a trade—you’re giving away part of your life for it. Is it worth that kind of exchange?Ask, “What will I have to give up?” Saying “yes” to one thing means saying “no” to something else. Maybe your family. Maybe margin for prayer and reflection. Maybe the deep work God’s been calling you to. Make your “what-matters-most” list before you make your to-do list. Let God shape your priorities before your calendar does.Ask, “Should I just say no?” We’re used to running at the speed of crisis, but constant urgency isn't godly—it’s exhausting. Learning to say “no” is an act of faith. It’s trusting that God can lead your church better than you can. It’s believing your value isn’t in how much you do, but in who you are in Christ. If something isn’t on your “what-matters-most” list, it may be best just to say no.Remember, you don’t need to figure this all out on your own. James 1:5 promises that when we ask for wisdom, God gives it—generously and without shaming us for needing it.So take a breath, pastor. Take your list of opportunities to the Lord. Ask him for wisdom. Then choose what matters most—and rest knowing that obedience is more important than busyness.
How to Refuel Mid-Flight

How to Refuel Mid-Flight

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