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The Journey from Darkness to Light - A Celebrate Recovery Story

Dave Gonzales was living a life most people dream about. But when divorce sent him into a depression, Dave turned to drinking to cope with the pain and loss. Now looking back on the decade that he spent as an alcoholic, he is grateful that despite the odds, he didn’t end up at the bottom of a grave. Without a family to go home to, Dave began frequenting local bars and restaurants. What began as a few drinks after work developed into a much greater problem. When the bars would close, Dave would head home to spend the balance of his night drinking and gambling online. Shooting whiskey, drinking beer, and playing cards into the early morning hours became a regular occurrence. Things grew worse for Dave when the economic crisis set in and his income dropped. Now dependent on alcohol, Dave made cuts everywhere in his life except his bar tab. He lost his apartment and car, and with no place to go, his only option was to sleep on his mom’s couch. Things had spiraled out of control — alcohol controlled Dave’s life. As time went on, his consumption continued to climb. Six beers per night became 12, 18, and then 30. “When it comes to addiction, the more you do it, the more you need it,” he explains. He began drinking in the morning before work and periodically would rent a hotel room to stay up all night and drink in private. On occasion, he would call in sick to work just to stay home and drink. There were countless blackout nights of drinking when Dave had no recollection of how he’d gotten home. He incurred numerous injuries from blacking out and falling down, sustained damage to his car from driving while intoxicated, and one night “came to” while lying face down in the middle of a busy street with cars stopping and honking at him. Despite the severity of the situation, nothing was bad enough to slow his addiction. Dave had been taken to the emergency room twice for excessive drinking, leaving both times against recommendation. He knew there was a problem, but he didn’t know how to get help and found it easiest to turn a blind eye to reality. “I knew everything was failing — my health, my family, my job — but I didn’t know how to stop drinking,” he recalls. Dave had every reason to give up, but God had not given up on him. One spring morning after three straight days of non-stop drinking, Dave showed up for a weekly 8:30 a.m. sales meeting at work. In and out of a blackout, he was physically present but was so ill that he was otherwise absent. “It was like watching TV with no sound,” he describes. “Everything was surreal and I couldn’t make out what was going on around me.” After the meeting, Dave picked up his paycheck and could think about nothing but spending it on beer. To secure another day off for drinking, he lied to his boss about leaving work to check himself into the hospital. Now with an open schedule for the day, Dave cashed his paycheck, stopped to buy beer, and headed home to start drinking. Sitting slumped over in a chair in the backyard and barely able to lift his head, Dave continued to drink beer after beer. He began physically shaking with illness and feared that this could be the end of life for him. Completely defeated and frightened, Dave closed his eyes and prayed for help. “God, whatever you want me to do, I’m going to do it.” In the moments that followed, Dave publicly admitted his addiction to alcohol on Facebook. In a post to his friends, he said that he couldn’t stop drinking and pleaded for help. Within hours, his friend Tracy picked him up and took him to the emergency room at Laguna Beach Hospital. In the ER, his mind was filled with the whispers of temptation to flee and return to the life he so desperately wanted to leave behind. “I was scared and wanted to run, but I felt God pushing me to stay. I was questioning myself as to whether I really wanted to stop drinking and wondered if I could live my life without alcohol.” But Dave chose to ignore the whispers and instead clung to the promise he had made to God. Dave had completely surrendered his life to God, and in spite of his fears, he knew without a doubt that he was exactly where God wanted him to be. Dave spent the next month in the rehabilitation and recovery program at Laguna Beach Hospital. After the first week, in an unforeseen turn of events, he found himself taking on an unanticipated role. Coming from a place of complete weakness just days before, Dave felt God giving him strength and guidance to reach out and support other patients. Only God knew the plans he had for Dave. During a time that is typically spent focusing on self-healing, Dave found strength in taking his eyes off of himself and shifting his attention toward helping others. The time he spent in the hospital was a foundational period for his future. Not only did he begin his new life of sobriety, but he discovered his purpose: helping others. Immediately following rehab, Dave transitioned into a sober-living residence where he spent three months learning how to continue to remain sober outside of the hospital. Just as he did in rehab, Dave found himself in a role where he was encouraging and helping others. Once he had completed the sober living program, Dave was on his own back in the real world with a whole new life ahead of him. He knew that in order to maintain his momentum for sobriety, he would need ongoing support. Dave’s teenage son Nick was a member of Saddleback Church and encouraged his dad to try Celebrate Recovery®. Dave had heard about Celebrate Recovery® but thought it was mostly a social program for the local community. He never expected to find growth, acceptance, and support from so many people who faced the same difficulties he did. “There were times early on in my sobriety that I felt like I was the only one who struggled with alcohol and that I was 'less-than' because of my past. Celebrate Recovery® helped me realize that I was not alone and was not a bad person,” he explains. At Celebrate Recovery®, Dave also discovered Scripture that related directly to the issues he was facing. Dave, who recently finished reading the Bible from cover to cover, discovered that there is no problem too great or small for God, and that the Bible holds the keys to life. He says that his relationship with Jesus helps cure addiction better than any medicine, and Celebrate Recovery® engages biblical Scripture and a relationship with Christ to give healing and hope to those struggling with any type of addiction. Today, a proud, happy, peaceful Dave is just a few days away from being 20 months sober. He lives each day by walking in faith and letting God lead the way. “There’s no other way for me to live,” he reveals. “Every day, I pray and remind God that whatever He wants me to do, I will do it.” Coming from a life of physical and emotional enslavement where he lived solely for his addiction, Dave has found hope, freedom, and purpose in living the life God has planned for him. He is overwhelmed by God’s grace in giving him another chance at life. Dave is thankful for the miracles God has produced in his life, including some things that most people take for granted. Having a car to drive and an affordable place to live with a family that places the highest values on sobriety and Christ are things in his life that he says could only have been orchestrated by God. Dave realizes that he is still early in his journey of sobriety, but he wakes up every morning excited for the possibilities that God has in store for him. Whether it’s at work, at home, or around town, he is always looking for opportunities to help others. He knows that God protected him during his years as an alcoholic and brought him through his addiction for a reason. Someday, he hopes that God will use the pain and darkness he survived to bring light and hope to someone struggling with addiction. With a smile on his face, he confidently shares, “That’s what life is all about. We are not here to judge or walk alone. We are here to help each other.” Click here to learn more about Celebrate Recovery®. Click here if you would like to learn more about Saddleback's Support Groups, including Depression/Bring Back the Hope Support Group and Divorce Care Support Group.

Recent Articles

How God Builds Your Faith as He Fulfills Your Dream (Part 1)

How God Builds Your Faith as He Fulfills Your Dream (Part 1)

God wants to do great things through your ministry, and he wants to do it by developing your faith. Jesus told a blind man he healed, “According to your faith let it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV). It was true for the blind man, and it’s true for us today: God works in our lives according to our faith. In other words, we get to choose how much God blesses us.   That’s why faith is such an important part of ministry. God wants to build our faith so he can grow our ministries. God’s faith-building process has six stages. I’ll share the first three this week and the second three next week.  Stage 1 — God gives you a dream Whenever God wants to do something in your life, he’ll start with a dream. He did it over and over in the Bible. God gave Noah the dream of building an ark. God gave Moses the dream of setting the slaves free. God gave Abraham the dream of building a new nation. God gave David the dream of becoming king. Nothing happens until someone dreams.  But how do you know your dream is from God? It’s simple. Any dream from God will require faith. When God gives you a dream, it’s big! It’s so big that in order for it to come true, you will need God to “do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes” (Ephesians 3:20 TLB). Some of you are ready for this stage. You need to ask God to give you a dream for your ministry. God wants to do more than you can even “dare to ask.” Have the courage to ask him for that dream today. Stage 2 — You make a decision This is your moment of truth. It’s when you decide to go for it! James says, “Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6 NLT). Faith is a verb—it’s something you do. When you decide to act on the dream God has given you, you’re deciding to make an investment—whether that’s of your money, your reputation, or your time.  You’ll also need to let go of something. You can’t grab hold of a dream God has given you without letting go of something you’re hanging on to now.  Stage 3 — You experience a delay God doesn’t automatically fulfill your dreams; you’ll often experience a waiting period before he answers. You see it in the lives of many of the heroes of the faith in the Bible. Noah had to wait 120 years from the time he started building the ark until it rained. Abraham was 99 years old when Sarah gave birth to the child God had promised him.  Moses waited 40 years in the desert before God led him back to Egypt to free the Israelites. The stories go on and on. You also will need to wait on God to complete the ministry dream he has given you. I’ve always liked this translation of Habakkuk 2:3—“These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled” (TLB). Slowly and steadily, God will bring his dream for you to fruition. You’ll need to be patient during these times of waiting. God will not leave you in Stage 3. Next week, I’ll share with you three more stages of how God grows your faith as you pursue his dream for your ministry.
You Are Not a Burden

You Are Not a Burden

By Jeni Baker, Global Co-Executive Director of CR As a recovering Co-Dependent and an Adult Child of Family Dysfunction, a big part of my recovery was learning that my emotions don’t make me a burden. When I share my feelings, people won’t think that I’m not worth it and leave me. I’m lovable even if I’m feeling bad, or low, or having a hard time. Just shy of a year into this Covid pandemic, I was writing a gratitude list about this past year, and something occurred to me. I spent the first 5-6 months of the pandemic angry. Like really angry, bitter, and resentful. But as I look back on all that God has done for me this past year, I realized he let me have my big feelings, and my temper tantrums, and my pity parties, and he still loved me. He let me work through my emotions without abandoning me, giving up on me, or forsaking me. He let me be honest about how I was feeling, and he so gently led me through the process of refining those thoughts and feelings. Then he used those experiences to teach me and help me grow and heal. Not only did he not push me away, but he brought me closer to him. He “let me take refuge in the shelter of his wings” (Psalm 61:4 NASB). Psalm 73:28 (Amplified Bible) says, “But as for me, it is good for me to draw near to God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge and placed my trust in Him, That I may tell of all Your works.” God is so good! He loves us so much that He will not abandon us when we are honest with him. He wants us to draw close to him when we are hurting so that he can be our refuge. The fact that he loves us so much makes him the safest place to share how we're feeling and to be completely honest with all of our emotions. God can handle our big emotions because he has big emotions too. When we are honest with God about how we’re feeling, it is a sign of trust in him. Psalm 62:8 (ESV) says, “Trust [confidently] in him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah”. It still amazes me how deep those layers of insecurities about sharing my feelings can go. But I’m grateful that God has proven to me time and time again that he is a safe place and refuge for me to be honest about how I'm feeling and that he is trustworthy. If you would like to learn how to start your own Celebrate Recovery ministry, to contact your Celebrate Recovery Rep, please visit: https://crgroups.info/. To get involved in an already existing Celebrate Recovery ministry near you, please visit: https://locator.crgroups.info/.
Safety in Any Storm

Safety in Any Storm

Recently, a storm was moving through the Pacific Northwest that knocked out our power in the middle of the night. I was immediately aware of all the new risks to our household. Our phones lacked the power to provide the charge they needed for the next day. Our gas furnace would work, but the fans would not move the warm air. I wondered if the power would return quickly enough that our frozen food would stay frozen. Worse than all of those, I was aware that our security system would no longer keep me notified if anything happened to our house. As I sat in silence, I truly understood the definition of powerlessness. I could do nothing to restore the comforts I have grown to expect. On top of that, I didn’t even know which tree was to blame for my discomfort. I very much wanted to make something happen, but at 1 am, I was powerless. My years in Celebrate Recovery showed me the pathway back to peaceful slumber. Knowing I was powerless, I turned to the one with all power. I handed over my role as “lead figure-it-out-er” and rested on the fact that God has all the power necessary to protect my family. It wasn’t easy to wrestle my flesh into submission, but it became possible through earnestly believing that God exists and that my family and I matter to him. Looking back on that night, I was reminded of when Jesus sent out his disciples in Matthew chapter 10. Jesus was asking them to go into a scary world without the protection and comfort they were accustomed to. To calm their fears and encourage them to move forward, he reminded his disciples that God pays attention to each sparrow on earth and knows how many hairs are on the disciple’s heads. In verse 31, Jesus said, “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Our power returned a few hours later, and we awoke to a warm house and fully charged devices. In our most powerless and uncomfortable moments, we can find rest in the fact that we have a Father in heaven who sees us and cares for us.
Amanda Brandon's Testimony

Amanda Brandon's Testimony

Hi, I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with grief and control. My name is Amanda.  My heart is no longer hardened by grief, anxiety, and control. I used to hide my pain and wonder why my heart hurt, even when I prayed and read God’s Word. I was missing a piece of the puzzle. I wasn’t letting the pain out. When I started coming to Celebrate Recovery two years ago, I kept hearing James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”   Sharing my struggles and peeling back the layers of shame, guilt, hurt, and harm have helped me gain a sound mind. My husband Warren and I are healing old wounds, learning to communicate hard things, and finding a shared vision for parenting God’s way. I delight in my children instead of losing my cool. In fact, our entire family comes to CR.  I grew up in a big, chaotic family as the oldest of 10 children. We suffered several tragedies, including losing my baby brother to an accidental drowning when I was 10 and our home to a fire five years later.  By my eleventh birthday, I could get five kids ready for school, clean the house, do the laundry, and make perfect grades. I often stepped into my parents’ conflicts to try to bring peace. I had multiple secret rituals to help alleviate the stress: cleaning, leaving on certain lights, and losing myself in books. I would do anything to keep that buzz of anxiety under the surface.  I also became obsessed with performance. I was a perfect student and a talented writer. But I was crumbling inside. My compulsive reactions to stress, fear, anxiety, and grief would haunt me for the next 30 years.  I graduated No. 1 in high school and got a full college scholarship, forging my escape, or so I thought.  I became a Christian at school and started praying big, bold prayers at 20. My first bold prayer was for the husband God wanted me to marry. Oh boy, did he answer my prayer! He gave me my best friend and intellectual equal, and we married in 2005. We had our first daughter in 2008 and lost my husband’s dad that year. This loss opened a gulf of stalled communication and repressed grief in our marriage.  In 2011, we got pregnant again and were strapped for resources. The doctors told us our baby wasn’t viable, and I needed emergency surgery and weekly testing for the next year to ensure I didn’t get cancer. I was overwhelmed, terrified, and back in darkness. I know God was carrying me through these dark days, but I withdrew inside myself and pushed my husband further away. My three-year-old daughter held my hand and showed me love was still possible. But I felt like I was fading away in my grief. It was such a lonely place, but I prayed one of those big prayers. “God, please give us another child.” Well, we got two babies — 16 months apart. Then, I was too busy raising babies to be worried about my mental health for the next few years. In 2016, I began having panic attacks in church — a place I felt safe and loved. Between my codependent family leaning on me to clean up family crises and save the day, a looming lawsuit with our construction company, and my husband’s new adventurous career as a storm-chasing insurance adjuster, I felt stretched as a wife and mother. I felt overcome with grief and like I was losing my identity. I was at the end of myself. I asked my husband to go with me to talk to our pastor. Our pastor shared that I was struggling as an adult child of family dysfunction and that I needed counseling to root out my deep codependence and anxiety. I went to counseling and learned some tools, but there was still a piece missing. I felt better in the counselor’s office, but the compulsions kept coming back. Add on some struggles with our gifted son that required me to be “on” all the time, and I was as wound up as tight as a spring. My sister Michelle died very suddenly from a surgery complication the next year. I was devastated. But I didn’t have time for the grief. I was too busy running my son’s program, parenting by myself, and saving my family. I wanted to run away.  My control issues got significantly worse over the next few years. In 2020, I decided to see a doctor to help with my anxiety. I learned that I had a rare form of OCD and chose to start medication to help me heal. I felt like an even bigger failure, hating myself for being so weak. But I was desperate. I came to CR two years ago when a friend invited me to hear his testimony. I was already at a low point. My dad had just survived a grueling hospital stay, and my soul felt flattened. I knew my dad didn’t have long to live.  When we moved to Colorado and joined a church with a Celebrate Recovery, I didn’t think CR would help me. I was wrong. Through the weekly share groups and step study, I started sharing what I thought made me an outsider. I found a sponsor and multiple accountability partners here, dived deep into the roots of my reaction to grief, and started to feel sound in mind and spirit.  I got off my anxiety medication a year ago because I had new tools and a new outlook on my mental health. I found my own “program.” My dad got sick again last spring as I was writing my inventory. We made peace with our past, and I forgave my parents. I lost my dad in July, and I didn’t completely retreat and hide for the first time. I opened up and shared the hurt and am healing from the loss.  I know God made a mighty move in bringing me and my family to CR. I’ll keep coming back and giving back because this is where I learned to trust, let go, and let God.
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