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Seven Biblical Steps to Resolving Conflict

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Every church leader needs to learn how to diffuse conflict. It’s one of the most important ministry skills you can develop and rarely taught in seminaries and Bible schools. Unresolved conflict will damage your ministry. You can’t be in harmony with God if you’re out of harmony with other people. 1 John 4:20 tells us, “If people say, ‘I love God,’ but hate their brothers or sisters, they are liars” (NCV). The next time you find yourself in the middle of conflict—whether at home or at church—try these seven steps to resolve it. 1. Take the initiative. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you, and don’t deny the conflict. Be the peacemaker God has called you to be. I was terrible at this when Kay and I first married. When Kay would bring up issues, I became good at dodging them. But I’ve realized through the years that you never resolve conflict accidentally. You can only do it intentionally. Of course, that kind of initiative requires courage when everything inside of you screams that it’s better to hide. The Bible says that love gives us that kind of courage. John writes, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18 NIV). When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll take the initiative to make peace in your relationships. 2. Confess your part of the conflict. The other person may be 99 percent at fault, but we should humbly confess our 1 percent first. Jesus reminds us in the Sermon on the Mount that we all have blind spots. We must take care of those blind spots before we move on. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4 NIV). Often, relationships get into traffic jams. We get stuck and we feel trapped as we wait on the other person to make the first move. One sentence can break that traffic jam: “I’m sorry.” Give it a try. 3. Listen for the hurt. If you’ve followed my Ministry Toolbox articles for a while, you’ve read this phrase before: “Hurt people hurt people.” I say it regularly. It’s an important truth to remember. If someone is hurting you, it’s because someone hurt that person. Maybe it was you; maybe it was someone else. James 1:19 reminds us how to respond to the pain of others: “You should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry” (CEV). God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. We need to listen twice as much as we speak. That’s the key to defusing conflict. When you’re listening for the hurts of others, focus on two specific areas—their doubts and fears. “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (Romans 15:2 TLB). When you uncover someone else’s doubts and fears, you’ll often bring conflict. 4. Consider their perspective. To do this, we need to make an important change in how we deal with other people. Instead of trying to get other people to notice our needs, we need to notice the needs of others first. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4-5: “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT). We’re naturally selfish people. We want to make sure someone pays attention to our needs because we’re often afraid that our needs won’t be met. But God is always in touch with the details of our lives. Nothing escapes his sight. The Bible says, “You notice everything I do and everywhere I go” (Psalm 139:3 CEV). When you realize God will meet every need you have, it frees you to focus on the needs of others. 5. Tell the truth tactfully. It’s not enough to just speak the truth. In a verse I’m sure you’re familiar with, Paul tells us to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT). If we’re not speaking the truth in love, we’re on the wrong side of the conflict. Speaking the truth in love isn’t just what’s right. It’s also what works best. Truth without love is resisted; truth wrapped in love is received. You must show someone you love them before that person will listen to the truth you want to share. 6. Fix the problem, not the blame. You only have so much emotional energy. You can either resolve the conflict or fix the blame. You can’t do both. So you need to ask yourself, “What’s more important?” To make sure you don’t move into blaming, it’s important to set some ground rules. Certain actions should be off the table when you sit down with someone to resolve a conflict. For example, you don’t threaten to end the relationship. Nor do you belittle the other person. Paul gives us a list of out-of-bounds ways to engage others in a conflict: “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Colossians 3:8 NIV). Those actions all lead to more conflict, not less. 7. Focus on reconciliation, not resolution. There’s a big difference between reconciliation and resolution. Reconciliation happens when you re-establish the relationship. Resolution means you will no longer have any disagreements. You’ll never make it to a complete resolution because you’ll never agree on everything. We all have different personalities and different life experiences. But you can have a loving relationship, even if you can’t agree on everything. You can disagree without being disagreeable. As church leaders, we need to be peacemakers. Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9 NIV). Conflict seems to be everywhere in our communities. We can choose to just opt out and ignore the conflict. We could even make the conflict in our world worse. Or we could let the Lord use us to resolve conflict. That’s the decision that honors Jesus.

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How to Cooperate as God Works in You

Pastor, you want to see fruit—in your life and in the people and ministry of your church. The Bible calls that “the fruit of the Spirit”—“love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22–23 NIV).These nine qualities describe the character of a mature disciple and the kind of leader you’re becoming.So how does God grow this fruit in you? He uses a process. Here are two facts you need to know if you want to cooperate with that process.1) Spiritual growth is a partnership.Paul writes, “Work out your salvation . . . for it is God who works in you” (Philippians 2:12–13 NIV).That’s not a contradiction—it’s a paradox. You don’t work for your salvation. You work out what God has already put in. In a physical workout you develop muscles you already have; in a spiritual workout you cultivate the new life God has already given you.God has a part in your growth, and you have a part. He provides the power—but you need to flip the switch. Your job is to cooperate with what he’s doing.2) Spiritual fruit ripens over time.There’s no such thing as instant spiritual maturity. It takes time for fruit to ripen—and when you try to rush fruit, you ruin the flavor. The same is true in ministry. You can accelerate activity, but you can’t microwave character. God grows fruit season by season.How to Cooperate with the Spirit’s Growth ProcessImmerse yourself in Scripture. Read, study, memorize, and meditate so God’s Word reshapes your thinking.Pray honestly. Talk with God about everything you’re facing. Invite the Spirit to search you and lead you.Surrender daily. Give the Holy Spirit free rein—no compartments and no conditions.Receive your circumstances. Trust that God is using both pleasant and painful seasons to form Christlike character.Respond like Jesus. Ask, “What would Christ’s love, patience, or gentleness look like right here?” Then do it.God wants to produce the fruit of the Spirit in your life and leadership. Will you cooperate with him in this life-changing process?

Tell God How You’re Feeling

“[God] has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. He has besieged and surrounded me with anguish and distress. He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead. . . . And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers.” Lamentations 3:4–6, 8 (NLT)If you’ve been in ministry long enough, you know what it feels like to be poured out and still feel empty. The sermon is preached. The hospital visits are made. The hard conversations are had. And yet, sometimes, instead of joy or peace, all that remains is silence—and sadness.Maybe it’s a critical email after a long Sunday. Maybe it’s watching your church shrink despite your best efforts. Maybe it’s conflict in your leadership team, or the quiet ache of seeing people walk away from the faith. And in those moments, you wonder, Where is God in this?Jeremiah knew that feeling well. In Lamentations, he’s not giving a neat theological answer—he’s groaning. He says, “[God] has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. . . . And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers” (Lamentations 3:4, 8 NLT).Sound familiar?It might surprise you that such raw emotion is in the Bible—but it’s there for a reason. Jeremiah didn’t bottle it up or try to sound strong. He didn’t pretend everything was okay. He poured it all out before God.Pastor, you don’t have to stuff your emotions either.God isn’t intimidated by your questions. He doesn’t flinch when you’re angry, exhausted, or confused. You’re not less spiritual for being honest—you’re actually stepping into a kind of worship that leads to healing.If you try to keep all that pain inside, it will find its way out—maybe through anxiety, resentment, even burnout. But when you give it to God—every ounce of frustration, fear, and fatigue—you start to find space to breathe again.God doesn't need you to be strong for him. He already knows your heart. So tell him the truth. Not the polished version. The real one.He can handle it.And more importantly, he’s not going anywhere.

Why Christians Need More than Classrooms

Many churches define spiritual maturity in terms of biblical knowledge: quoting verses, knowing theology, and explaining doctrine. But that view is incomplete.The Christian life isn’t just something to study—it’s something to live. True spiritual maturity comes through a variety of experiences that touch your mind, heart, hands, and relationships. God uses all five purposes of the church—worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, and evangelism—to grow you into maturity.1. Don’t Settle for a "Classroom Church"Churches that focus solely on information-transfer are what I call "classroom churches." These churches emphasize teaching doctrine and filling your mind with truth. But they often neglect your emotional, relational, and experiential growth.While we absolutely need sound doctrine, study alone doesn’t produce mature Christians. As Gene Getz once said, "Bible study by itself will not produce spirituality. In fact, it will produce carnality if it isn’t applied and practiced."James 1:22 says, "Do not deceive yourselves by just listening to his word; instead, put it into practice!" (GNT).2. Spiritual Growth Requires All Five PurposesMature believers don’t just study the Christian life—they experience it. That means engaging in worship, participating in ministry, building fellowship, living out evangelism, and growing through discipleship.Deuteronomy 11:2 tells us, "Remember today what you have learned about the LORD through your experiences with him" (GNT).Even painful experiences have value. Proverbs 20:30 says, "Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways" (GNT). Some lessons are only learned through experience.When churches downplay experience out of fear of emotionalism or false doctrine, they rob people of part of how God designed us to grow. God gave you emotions for a reason. If you strip experience out of the Christian life, all you’re left with is a cold creed to memorize—not a vibrant life to live.3. A Balanced Strategy Builds Mature DisciplesGenuine spiritual maturity includes:A heart that worships and praises GodLoving, accountable relationships with other believersActive ministry using your gifts and talentsSharing your faith with those who don’t yet know ChristWhen churches focus only on Bible study, people fool themselves into thinking they’re growing because they’re taking notes and filling binders. But they never apply what they’re learning. Impression without expression leads to depression.That’s why a church strategy must intentionally include all five purposes. You need environments that stretch people to serve, share, love, grow, and worship.4. Learning Is Meant to Be LivedIf Christianity were merely a philosophy, studying it might be enough. But Christianity is a relationship (John 14:20-21) and a life (John 10:10).Jesus didn’t say, "I came so that you might study." The Bible uses verbs like love, give, and serve far more often than study. The last thing many believers need is another Bible study. They need a place to serve, someone to reach, a small group to belong to, and a reason to praise.Don’t get me wrong. I deeply value Bible study. I even wrote a textbook on the subject that's now in multiple languages. But it’s only one part of a mature life in Christ.If you want your church to grow deeper, don’t just fill minds; develop whole lives. People need more than sermons and studies. They need spiritual experiences that shape their hearts, stretch their faith, and lead them to live out what they believe.

Are You Focused on the Immediate or the Eternal?

As a pastor, you deal with many immediate needs every day—from counseling issues to leadership concerns to preparing your regular weekend messages. And added to that, we’re in the middle of an election year, when everyone is fighting for our attention.  It’s easy to get caught up in the here and now. But faithful ministry in our world today that impacts our communities requires something else. Every pastor needs to keep an eternal perspective.  Keeping an eternal perspective means realizing there’s more to life than just here and now. C.S. Lewis once said, “All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.” You’re in an eternal struggle for the hearts and souls of people in your community. Nothing matters more than that struggle.  An eternal perspective realizes there are long-term implications for every action we take. Pastors who make a difference in the world around them focus on those eternal implications rather than the immediate ones. At the most, you’ll only live on earth for a mere 90 or so years, but your time in eternity will never end. Your ministry on this side of eternity is simply a prelude to the real thing.  Noah understood this. The Bible tells us, “[Noah] was the only truly righteous man living on the earth at that time. He tried always to conduct his affairs according to God’s will” (Genesis 6:9 TLB). Noah was single-focused, always asking, “What does God want me to do?” That’s what an eternally focused life looks like. Noah had a filter. Each decision he made was guided by God’s will.  Hebrews 13:14 captures what it means to be eternally minded: “For this world is not our home; we are looking forward to our everlasting home in heaven” (TLB). If you believe and base your ministry on that truth, it will change everything for you and your church. Suddenly, yesterday’s contentious business meeting and your church’s budget failings won’t matter nearly as much.  Your focus will be on what doesn’t change—helping people to worship the Lord, build Jesus-honoring relationships, become more like Jesus, serve God faithfully, and tell others about Jesus.   A ministry with an eternal perspective focuses on the purposes of God, which never change. That’s why I wrote in The Purpose Driven Church: “Unless the driving force behind a church is biblical, the health and growth of the church will never be what God intended. Strong churches are not built on programs, personalities, or gimmicks. They are built on the eternal purposes of God.” Programs, personalities, and gimmicks might produce short-term ministry success, but the results of pursuing God’s purposes last forever. When you have an eternal perspective on your ministry, you realize the most important areas of your work can’t be easily seen. Paul says, “We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NCV). A thousand years from now, our church buildings will be nothing but piles of rubble. Our budgets and our strategies won’t matter at all. What really counts is the lasting impact we’ve had on people who will worship Jesus for all of eternity.  If you truly understand this perspective, you won’t need to stress over the ebbs and flows of your ministry week. The headlines won’t depress you each morning. Your church’s budget shortfalls won’t cause you concern.  Instead, as you focus on what God’s Word says about eternal issues that matter most, you’ll be free to make a difference with your ministry. Remember the words of Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails” (NIV). If you are building a ministry on God’s eternal purposes, you can’t fail. God’s purposes will always prevail.

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