by Rick Warren
Senior Pastor
Many of you will be celebrating Father's Day this month. I hope you spend some time reflecting on your relationship with your children. Your position as dad is one of the most important ministry assignments you’ll ever have.
No matter how many people you touch in your lifetime, you won’t touch anyone – for good or for bad – as you do your children. For our children to have God’s best, we’ve got to pay attention to the owner’s manual – the Bible.
What does the Bible say about helping our children have God's best?
1. You must accept their uniqueness.
Proverbs 22:6 is one of the most misunderstood verses in the entire Bible. It’s misquoted, misclaimed, and misused all the time. It says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV). Many people believe this verse means that if you raise up your kids in a godly way, they’ll live for God the rest of their life.
That’s just not true for many parents. You and I know of countless examples that prove this wrong. I know lots of kids who were raised in a good, godly way and still have totally messed up their life. You’ve got to remember two incredibly important truths about this verse. First, this is a proverb, not a promise..A proverb is generally true, but there are exceptions. If you train up kids in the way they should go, they will generally not depart from it.
Second, you need to understand the original Hebrew phrase “in the way he should go.” It literally means “according to his way.” In other words, train him up according to the style God gave him, accept his uniqueness. There are lots of things that make your child unique. He or she is in a unique stage of life and has a unique personality and temperament. Proverbs 22:6 says that you need to take that uniqueness into consideration as you train your child.
That means don’t treat your four-year-old like an 18-year-old. Many people don’t understand that these days. We’re forcing kids to grow up way too fast. Kids don’t need to know everything. You wouldn’t ask a five-year-old to carry your luggage. Don’t expect them to deal with ideas about life, sin, and sexuality that they don't need to know. It’s just too heavy. Part of training them in the way they should go is training them with their particular stage of life in mind.
It also means to train them according to their strengths. Your job as a parent is to understand how God has uniquely made them – what they are good at. Then help them develop their strengths. Whether it’s math, music, athletics, or something else, help them grow in what they are good at.
Training them up in the way they should go also means keeping their temperament in mind as well. Every child is different. If you have three children, you need three parenting styles. Why? All your kids are different. Some kids come out of the womb saying, “Mama!” Other kids come out ready to fight. It had nothing to do with your parenting skills. It’s just a matter of genetics. If you try to treat those two the same, you’re a fool. It doesn’t work.
But it’s more than those three things. It means that if you want God’s best for your kids, don’t force them into a pre-determined mold. Treat them uniquely.
2. You must affirm their value.
Everyone is starving for attention Your kids are no exception. I’ve never met a person who doesn’t need affirmation. Our Heavenly Father is the perfect illustration of a parent who affirms his children. Throughout his Word, he consistently reminds us of our value. Jesus himself was a master of this. We all go after it in many different ways, but everybody is starving for affirmation.
Why is it important to affirm your child’s value? Because God does – and he is the best parenting model we have. Look at how Jesus explained our value in Matthew 10:29-31 (NLT): “What is the price of two sparrows – one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”
God values us, and we should value our children. We do that by:
- Paying attention to them. “He [God] pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail – even numbering the hairs on your head!” (Matthew 10:30 MSG paraphrase).
- Showing affection to them. “I drew them to me with affection and love. I picked them up and held them to my cheek” (Hosea 11:4 TEV).
- Expressing appreciation to them. “God says, ‘You are precious to me. You are honored and I love you’” (Isaiah 43:4 NLT).
I don’t know what kind of family you grew up in. You may never have gotten the affirmation from your parents you needed. But don’t withhold affirmation from your children. They desperately need it to become all God wants them to be.
3. You must trust them responsibility.
Jesus says this is the way we grow. We grow through being trusted with responsibility. Jesus said, “Whoever can be trusted with a little can also be trusted with a lot…” (Luke 16:10 NCV). People respond to responsibility.
We see this with the disciples. Jesus picked 12 ordinary people and one of them flaked out – Judas. He spent three years with them, giving them greater and greater responsibility along the way. Finally, before he left the earth he said, “Guys, I’m going back to heaven. I’m leaving the future salvation of the world in your hands.”
That’s responsibility! Obviously, it worked. You and I wouldn’t be followers of Christ otherwise. There are about 2 billion Christians in the world. Why? Because 11 men stepped up and took responsibility.
Your kids can be challenged with greater levels of responsibility as well. Our biggest obstacle to doing this is our desire to protect our kids. We want to protect them from making mistakes and the feelings associated with failure. That’s just dumb. It prevents them from learning very valuable lessons, like that failure is a part of life and it isn’t fatal.
Truthfully, overprotecting you kids is really a form of rejection. When you do so, you tell them that you don’t trust them and you don't believe they’re competent. Instead, try to give them increasingly more and more responsibility. You’ll show them how much you trust them, and you’ll prepare them for life in the process.
4. You must correct them without condemning them.
We all need correction at times. God corrects us. The Bible says he corrects those whom he loves. So should we. Proverbs 13:24 says, “If you refuse to discipline your children it proves you don’t love them.” But how do we do it without condemning them?
- Never correct in anger. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:4 (TEV), “Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather bring them up with the loving discipline…with suggestions and godly advice.” Disciplining in anger is just getting even. It’s more about you in that moment than about them. It probably will change their behavior because they’re scared. But in the end, it’s going to create resentment.
- Watch your words. Ephesians 4:29 (GNB) says, “Don’t use harmful words. Use only helpful words. The kind that should build up.” Harmful words create hurtful memories. Put-downs and harmful words might motivate somebody in the short term, but they’re going to plant seeds of rebellion in your child’s life.
5. You must love them unconditionally.
You can do this in two ways. First, you can offer them forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 (NCV) says, “Be kind and loving to each other, forgiving each other just as God forgave you in Christ”(NCV). We forgive our children because we’ve been forgiven by our Heavenly Father. You will be hurt as a parent, but godly parents keep on loving regardless.
Also, never give up on your kids. Love always believes the best. The Bible says this in 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT): “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Real love never gives up on people – even when the same children you tucked into bed and walked to school get into drugs or bad relationships. Love just never gives up.
Your child needs to know that your love cannot be earned or lost. That kind of security can propel them to take a hold of God’s best for their lives.
These five actions aren’t just what good parents do. They resemble how God treats us. He demonstrates all five actions toward us. That shouldn’t surprise us, though. He’s the best parenting model we have.
Posted
Fri, Jun 12 2009 9:49 AM
by
MTBEditor